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Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
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1:30 am - "don't know what you got 'til it's gone"
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I guess I should fill in a little more than I did with my last post. I
am reluctant to write anything in here because, after some changes, I
am thinking that keeping an online journal is kind of gay.
I actually probably felt that way all along, but it has never really
hurt me that much. And anyway, the people who would ridicule me the
most mercilessly don't know I have one or are under the impression that
I've stopped writing here--which was true for, what, a year or more?
Why the long Malickean pause?
Briefly, I didn't feel particularly compelled to do so and, this is a
corrollary, I felt very strongly that I shouldn't write if I didn't
have anything interesting to say or report on. These two things,
compulsion to create, and the feeling of worth of one's creation are, I
realize, inextricably linked. But I suppose if you have the former, you
don't really care all that much about the latter. Of course, I would
think, you would want the creation to be good and worthwhile, but, if
you are a truly "creative" person, the compulsion to create overrides
fears of whether or not your creation will be any good.
Two things got me thinking on this track. One was a remark Richard Shickel made in his commentary for Leave Her to Heaven.
The film's protagonist is a writer who writes not out of need for money
but because, as Shickel says, "he needs to write, though you wouldn't
know it by the way Cornel Wilde plays him." (Ha Ha, Richard.) The other
thing, more recently, was Be Here to Love Me: A Film About Townes Van Zandt,
a film, as the name suggests, about Townes Van Zandt. Early on, the
mid-sixties, Townes married and his parents fixed them up in a nice
suburban Houston apartment. Townes wrote songs there, in the closet
(including "Waiting Around to Die"), but he said he was afraid to
go "all the way"--to live on the road and give everything else up.
Eventually, of course, he did. But he was scared initially. the
compulsion to write songs came over everything else. I don't really
want to repeat his sad life, but the creative impulse got me thinking
maybe I should do something more than nothing, even if I am a little
scared. At least I haven't had shock treatments and sniffed airplane
glue.
For a long time, until this very moment even, I have been terrified of writing anything. I've written papers for grad school,
but that is barely creative. I've enjoyed writing them, but they are
the result of neccesity and desperation and not a little lazy thinking.
Outside of that I've written nothing. For some reason, now I feel
compelled to write again, though I would resist calling this
particularly "creative" writing. I think this thingy might be useful to
me in working out some things I've been thinking about, like this now,
without the pressure of anything further. Though, it may spark
something more. At least I hope it does.
Having now written a long and boring and pretentious entry, I feel
certain that I'll look back at this and cringe someday. But that's just
what I've been talking about. If I never did anything I would regret
later then I would do very few things. And, besides, people develop.
Writers start off bad and get better. Saul Bellow wrote two mediocre
novels before he wrote The Adventures of Augie March. Other people did other bad stuff before they really hit on what worked for them. Some other people, though, did really good stuff before doing really bad stuff. I don't know what it all means. I don't know if anyone cares. But I don't care about that either; this is strictly for me.
current mood:  creative
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| Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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5:56 pm - Um
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So I don't even know what's happened since I last wrote in here. A lot of stuff. I'm much happier now. Sorry about all the depressed stuff. Maybe I'll fill in the year or whatever it's been since I last wrote anything here. Or maybe I won't. I'm just procastinating right now because I don't feel like finishing my last paper for the semester.
Yeah.
current mood:  blah
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| Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
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12:14 am - So it's this guy
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| Thursday, June 10th, 2004
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5:31 pm - no depression
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It has been a while. I went through another bout of unemployment and the depression-tinged malaise that spending all day inside brings with it. Right now I am working at a Borders in San Ramon, which is eerily similar to Orange County. but because it isn't Orange County--a place I don't particularly love but holds a womb-like safety for me--I feel a bit lost and sad while I'm there. Ever since high school I've wanted to work at a Borders for some reason--it seemed like a somewhat idyllic and ultimately cool job to me. Maybe in some places it is OK, but not in San Ramon. This is not to say it's horrible, but it only pays $7.50, and I'm having a hard time making rent. It does have its perks: I talked to a kind British man who was buying "The Last Waltz," "Standing in the Shadows of Motown," "Majikat" (Cat Stevens' new DVD), and "Masked and Anonymous." I told him I liked all of his choices. It turns out that he has worked with Cat Stevens and is apparently a respected studio musician. I was delighted and wanted to talk to him about it more, but he was embarassed by his friend, who was the one telling me all this information. But that is the major drawback, I can't do anything more with something like that. I don't know what other job might allow me to do more, but I know there is something. On the other hand, I did get the new Wilco a month ago, and it's really good. But so far that's pretty much it.
That is the most I've written or thought about my job when I haven't been there. That's hardly all that's happened to me, though. I have gone to some very good shows, met a couple of people, had some upsets and new ideas and plans for the future. I will write more about all of these soon, I think. I feel like I am in a better place (a little) now, and maybe ready to move on to some new things.
Tonight I am going to see Dear Norah with a new friend. I hope things will look up from now on.
current mood:  content
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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1:29 am - my refrigerator is broken and I stay up too late
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Grad School - 4
Ryan - 0
But that's OK. I've got some plans. Library, teaching, masters degree plans.
And hopefully a job soon.
current mood: blah
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| Sunday, March 21st, 2004
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9:25 pm - punch a time clock not
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So. I've never been kicked or forced out of anything. Lots of places have rejected me before I got in, but once I was in, I was in until I quit or was ready to move on. Generally, people have been satisfied with my work, whether it was doing crappy menial work or writing papers in college or being friends with someone. This all prefaces, of course, the exact opposite having happened.
I got "released" from the place I was working. The temp agency called me and told me on Firday on my way home, really topping off what had been a great day to begin with. They said that the client "released" me becuase my call volume wasn't high enough, or something to that effect. I am a good worker, reportedly. I just don't have a "scheduling background," which is to say I'm not a good telemarketer, more or less. This is true.
What baffles, or at least mildly befuddles, me is why I'm upset about the whole thing at all. A big part of the reason I had a bad day Friday was that I realized I really didn't like my job. A part of that part hinged, I think, on the sneaking suspicion that they were up to something fishy. Well, that and the fact that the work was boring--and doing something else I can't quite describe, something more sinister than boredom and much less than oppression--me almost literally to tears. The thought of going to work the next day, Saturday, really depressed me, as did a bunch of other things. I couldn't even read on the BART train home I felt so bad.
I've devoted entirely too much space to this already. I had a lot of fun Saturday and today and am looking forward to having Monday off. Still, my brain keeps on going back to this. It's the sneakiness that keeps coming up; the supervisor who expicitly said she would tell you if you were in danger of being let go said not a word to me, nor did anyone else. But that's all. I'll let it go, in here at least, at that.
current mood:  blank
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| Thursday, March 11th, 2004
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10:54 pm - i can't help it
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Liminal Arts in Oakland almost beats The Smell in LA for ghettoness. They sell beer for $2, or whatever you've got; if you they give you an extra beer: that's a free beer for you. When we first got there Kiersten said it seemed like it was The Factory and that Andy Warhol would come by anytime. The show was advertised as: "Altamont #2: East Bay Dance Party." But even though perfect dance music was booming all night between the bands, no one danced, not even for Bobby Conn! It was the first time I had heard or seen him, and it was a tremendously good surprise. So was the fist band, this guy called Arctic Universe who was half Bobby Birdman half Prince backed by German/Sprockets/Kraftwerk-if-they-were-angry technoish music. Deerhoof headlined; it was my first time seeing/hearing them too. If these two drunken jerkoffs hadn't been trying to start a moshpit that my new-found friends from SB were trying to stop, Deerhoof would have been just as fabulous as Bobby Conn. Even as it was, though, I loved it. I was also very excited to meet my new friends since they too had just gotten here too.
I don't know why I chose to talk about that moment of my weekend. The whole thing rushed by and dragged on at the same time. Kiersten came up and stayed from WEdnsday to Monday morning. I had to work for two days, but other than that we were all pretty drunk for most of the time. Despite the fun it drained me quite a bit.
This week, as a result of that weekend, has really flown by. Work has been fast and slow. Sean and I played basketball the last two nights. Last night we played at an elementary school and were yelled off by a neighbor who told us we had a curfew.
current mood: content
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| Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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11:40 pm
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So far I like my job. It's in a nice part of downtown Oakland, relatively laid back and marginally interesting. The people are nice and I get my own little cubicle, which comes with an extension. All this, I realize, provides pretty sad reasons for liking a job, but I take what I can get. Besides, being positive, within reason, far outweighs being nitpickingly negative.
Last night I saw the Decemberists for free at NoisePop. My friend and I interviewed them too. They were very nice; Colin Meloy was exactly like what you would expect: very self-possesed, well-spoken, nice and funny. They played a song called "The Tain" for the first time; it had five parts that told some sort of story and really rocked out sometimes. To close out their show they went into full ROCK mode, rolling around on the floor, playing instruments with other instruments (ie guitar on slide guitar, melodica on keyboards, feet on guitar). It was great fun, even if mixed drinks were $6 and I was seriously hung over from drinking til 4 am the night before at a super-lame party. The Decemberists really overcame all that and made the night for me.
So, "Lord of the Rings" swept the oscars tonight. I liked it and all, but I really wanted to see Sofia Coppola and Bill Murray win. Mostly it was for the movie, but a lot of it, I admit, was that I think Sofia Coppola is really pretty. I was also dissapointed that "Triplets of Bellville" didn't win for animation or the song, because that song is just so great as was the movie.
Right now, before I go to bed, I have to wash off all the mud I fell in while playing basketball.
current mood:  tired
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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7:52 pm - I Got A Job
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Man, finally, after looking for almost two months I finally got a job. Granted, it's through a temp agency and it sounds like it might be kind of lame, but it's a job.
While I'm at work I'll be able to think about this question, thanks to Ask Marilyn in Parade Magazine: What if bears were the dominant sentient species on earth?
Yes, what then? Dear god, what then?!
current mood: employed
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
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11:03 pm - hermitage
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So, I say going outside is really overrated. Who needs "outside" when your apartment is so nice and close and full of comfortable places to sit?
Not me.
Employers are still completely uninterested in me, apparently. Today I applied to SCORE!, a tutoring type place, for the third time. Twice before they've interviewed me on the phone and sent me emails saying I'm qualified, but I guess not qualified enough.
Next week is NoisePop in San Francisco, a big week-long, city-wide festival. There are a bunch of bands playing, though I only really want to see Neko Case, Pedro the Lion, The Decemberists, and, maybe, The Unicorns.
Meanwhile, I am loving Netflix. I just got season 3 of "The Family Guy" and "The Days of Wine and Roses." The latter being yet another in Jack Lemmon's '50s businessman oeuvre.
current mood:  good
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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1:25 pm - settling in
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So, I've been here in San Leandro, in the East Bay for about two weeks now. I am about thirty minutes away from San Francisco and Berkeley, and can easily get to both via BART, which I really like taking for some reason. So far I've gone to SF to see Little Wings, The Mountain Goats, and "The Triplets of Bellville." That movie was absolutely wonderful and charming and completely lived up to all the hype I had heard about it, and was maybe even better.
Seeing Little Wings was great as always, Kyle being so totally spacey, positive, funny, and down to the earth at the same time. He had great things to say about his trip and recording with a new Calvin.
The Mountain Goats were good too, though I had to wait outside to buy people's extra tickets. Eventually Sean and I both got in and saw John Darnielle play a good range of new and old, interspersing the songs with musings about Mystikal's comment in The Source. Apparently, Mystikal, when asked what the most beautiful thing in the world was, replied, without skipping a beat, "My dick." Three guys in front of us were smoking out and totally drunk and acting like dumb frat guys, yealling out the lyrics and jumping around. But the whole audience was into the show and knew tons of his songs, so it was overall quite fun.
Searching for a job has proved to be very frustrating and thus far fruitless. I finally signed up with a temp agency, but have yet to get a job from them. If I don't make some money soon, I'm worried what will happen.
Finally, for some reason I am watching "Crossfire" on CNN. Paul Begala is acting as the host on the left and I can't get the image of Chris Katan's impression of him from SNL out of my head.
current mood: ok
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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10:20 pm - moving on
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On tuesday I am finally moving. After such a long time of really wanting to, quite desperately really, I am a little nervous and unsure about it.
I haven't actually seen the place where I'll be living, but Sean found it and says it is good and I trust Sean. He and I get along really well; I know that won't be a problem. We both like silly jokes, baseball and The Prisoner. We will have a lot of fun, I think.
What I feel nervous and a little guilty about is leaving my mom and sister. As much as I know I can't live with them and that I need to move on and be independent and everything, it still makes me sad to leave them behind.
Plus, I will miss my cat.
Seven months was too much time to spend here at home. It became too comfortable and familiar, too easy to do nothing and loaf around. But I was never really happy here, and that's what I need to think about now. It will be better for me and everyone if I move. Yes, yeah.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Friday, January 16th, 2004
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10:50 pm - the weekend
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Should I be ashamed of enjoying watching Food Network and TLC and MTV shows and drinking by myself on a friday night? I wish there was someone else to watch and drink with, but I am having fun nonetheless.
I am excited about moving. I am excited about getting a job. I'm excited about grad school.
Yeah.
current mood: tipsy
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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9:56 pm - the glowing world
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The saddest thing: After heating up my Italian leftovers I placed the plate on the counter to see if the food was hot enough. Apparently, the plate was balanced poorly on the edge and crashed to the floor, shattering the plate and splattering my delicious-smelling food all over.
Also, I'm moving. I'm going to live in San Leandro with Sean. As of right now, I have yet to find a job. Looking for one has become my new hobby.
That's all. I've shut down otherwise, so updates might be infrequent and/or short and boring.
current mood: tired
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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2:19 am - the whatness of a thing
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I forgot to mention that today, January 6th, my birthday, is also the Epiphany, the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas. It is the day, supposedly, when the Three Kings finally got to Jesus to give him his gifts. I am very happy to share this date, as I feel it gives me a possible claim for being a visionary: the day when, using James Joyce's definition for epiphany, one apprehends the whatness of a thing.
Another reason I am proud to be able to say I was born on this day is the following list of the top songs and albums on the day I was born. Not only are "Whip It" and "The Tide is High" (my favorite Blondie song) on the list, but so is "Every Woman in the World," the best ever Air Supply song. Yes, there is such a thing. Really, so much goodness here.
1. Lady - Kenny Rogers (Liberty) *7 weeks #1* 1
2. (Just Like) Starting Over - John Lennon (Geffen) 2
3. Love On the Rocks - Neil Diamond (Capitol) 6
4. Guilty - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb (Columbia) 11
5. Hungry Heart - Bruce Springsteen (Columbia) 9
6. Celebration - Kool & the Gang (De-Lite) 13
7. Whip It - Devo (Warner Brothers) 4
8. Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benatar (Chrysalis) 10
9. More Than I Can Say - Leo Sayer (Warner Brothers) 8
10. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen (Elektra) 5
11. Master Blaster (Jammin') - Stevie Wonder (Tamla) 7
12. The Tide is High - Blondie (Chrysalis) 21
13. Every Woman In the World - Air Supply (Arista) 14
14. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police (A&M) 16
15. Let Me Be Your Angel - Stacy Lattisaw (Cotillion) 12
16. Watching You - Slave (Cotillion) 20
17. It's My Turn - Diana Ross (Motown) 15
18. Woman In Love - Barbra Streisand (Columbia) 3
19. Passion - Rod Stewart (Warner Brothers) 25
20. I Made It Through the Rain - Barry Manilow (Arista) 19
21. Heartbreak Hotel - The Jacksons (Epic) --
22. He's So Shy - The Pointer Sisters (Planet) 18
23. Tell It Like It Is - Heart (Epic) 30
24. The Wanderer - Donna Summer (Geffen) 17
25. Together - Tierra (Boardwalk) --
26. United Together - Aretha Franklin (Arista) --
27. You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling -
Daryl Hall & John Oates (RCA) 24
28. Never Knew Love Like This Before -
Stephanie Mills (20th Century) --
29. Remote Control - The Reddings (Believe in a Dream) --
30. Suddenly - Olivia Newton-John & Cliff Richard (MCA) --
31. Never Be the Same - Christopher Cross (Warner Brothers) --
33. Time Is Time - Andy Gibb (RSO) --
35. Hey Nineteen - Steely Dan (MCA) --
36. Upside Down - Diana Ross (Motown) --
38. I Hear Music In the Streets - Unlimited Touch (Prelude) --
44. My Mother's Eyes - Bette Midler (Atlantic) --
46. Dreaming - Cliff Richard (EMI America) --
I'm Coming Out - Diana Ross (Motown) --
49. Jesse - Carly Simon (Warner Brothers) --
50. One Step Closer - The Doobie Brothers (Warner Brothers) --
51. I Love a Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbitt (Elektra) --
HP Woman - John Lennon (Geffen)
HP Cold Love - Donna Summer (Geffen)
HP 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton (RCA)
HP I Ain't Gonna Stand For It - Stevie Wonder (Tamla)
HP Miss Sun - Boz Scaggs (Columbia)
HP Giving It Up For Your Love - Delbert McClinton (Capitol)
HP Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon (Epic)
THE TOP TEN ALBUMS:
The River - Bruce Springsteen (Columbia)
Guilty - Barbra Streisand (Columbia)
Kenny Rogers' Greatest Hits - Kenny Rogers (Liberty)
Zenyatta Mondatta - The Police (A&M)
The Game - Queen (Elektra)
Crimes of Passion - Pat Benatar (Chrysalis)
Double Fantasy - John Lennon & Yoko Ono (Geffen)
Hotter Than July - Stevie Wonder (Tamla)
Gaucho - Steely Dan (MCA)
Autoamerican - Blondie (Chrysalis)
current mood: happy
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1:49 am - "a minor but perilous triumph of being over nothingness"
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I am really starting to love Joan Didion. Her writing anyway. She seems like she might be a little scary as a person. Her husband just died, so I feel bad making any smartass jokes, but I really just want to talk about her writing. A lot of it is about California, so that's a check in her favor right there. Her style, though, is what makes it special; it's like she's writing with a switchblade. You are so fascinated by the dazzle of the damn thing opening--all the flipping and shining--that you don't remember there is a blade in there in the midst of the whorl. And then, at the last second you get cut and look down, surprised to see blood. Consider this, from "Some Dreamers of the Golden Dream":
"This is the country in which a belief in the literal interpretation of Genesis has slipped imperceptibly into a belief in the literal interpretation of "Double Indemnity," the country of the teased hair and the Capris and the girls for whom all life's promise comes down to a waltz-length white wedding dress and the birth and the birth of a Kimberly or a Sherry or a Debbi and a Tijuana divorce and a return to hairdressers' school."
And that's just one sentence with which she eviscerates half the population of the state and everyone she is about to write about. "Play it As it Lays," a novel, is like that all the way through: completely acid. I highly reccomend her work.
Right now I've been twenty-three for about two hours. This coming day is my birthday. My mom's already made a kahlua cake and plans to make some sort of hummus wrap. I hope this birthday will be good, since birthdays seem to lead so easily to dissapointment. It will be good. I will hope for the best.
current mood:  optimistic
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
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2:29 am - "She's there when I need her, with change for the parking meter"
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I really think I ought to get some of those "mood-stabilizing" drugs. For about a week or two every month, or some sort of regular cycle, I get really really REALLY down. But then, for no particular reason, I snap out of it and feel all better and ready to face life and not stay in bed all day. Because just yesterday what was going through my head was this: "I hate everything, I hate everything, I hate everything so goddamned fucking much, fuck you, fuck you." And those last two things were aimed at no one, or everyone, in particular. I was even getting to the point of wanting to quote Addie Bundren's father's advice from "As I Lay Dying," that living was just getting ready to be dead for a long time. Or something along those lines. But, at the same time I was really into that quote, those few hours, I realized it was stupid and that life was really good and I had a lot of fun. Nothing has changed, I still have no job, no money, precious few friends near me, no "significant other," and possibly mounting debt. Today, though, I woke up and felt good. Before I even ate breakfast (granted, it was 12 or 1 pm) I had applied to several jobs online and improved, I think, my resume. I could go on, but the point is something just isn't right with me sometimes, and I'm pretty sure it's chemical, and I don't want it to happen anymore. A nice even keel is what I want.
In other news, Kiersten bought a cool hat for me from JCrew for christmas. It is a hunter cap, with ear flaps that flap down.
In other other news, can anyone tell me how to make a hyperlink look like a word. You know, so that when I put "hat" up there it could really be a link to the JCrew site so you could see how cool it is.
current mood: good
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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7:47 pm - Kevin Starr is very polite
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Yeah! Kevin Starr wrote me back! He is the author of the California and the American Dream series, a cultural history of California since 1900. It is great. I wrote him an email telling him how much I liked it and how I used it as the main source for my senior thesis. And this is his email back:
Dear Ryan Young:
Thank you for your kind email of 15 December 2003. I was most flattered that my work has provoked such a thoughtful response in a young person at a critical point in his career. It seems to me that you might go on in history; but then again, I also detect a planner's instincts in your remarks regarding Orange County. May I refer you to a book edited by Spencer Olin called "Orange County: Postmodern Metropolis" or something to that effect.
Once again, thanks for the positive feedback.
Yours sincerely,
Kevin Starr
current mood: happy
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| Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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11:17 pm
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Oh, my mom is so good. She got me:
1) Johnny Cash - The Man Comes Around
2) Johnny Cash - The Essential Johnny Cash
3) The Carter Family - Can the Circle Be Unbroken
4) Bob Dylan - The Basement Tapes
5) Belle and Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress
6) Cat Stevens - Tea for the Tillerman
7) A Silver Mt. Zion - He Has Left Us Alone...
8) The Big Lebowski
9) "Material Dreams: Southern California Through the 1920's" by Kevin Starr
10)"Slouching Toward Bethlehem" by Joan Didion
All of that in just one present! And all of it sounds so so good, the new Johnny Cash, the Carter Family, all of it. I even liked the B&S; we listened to it while we played Trivial Pursuit. (I won!)
My sister got me The Family Guy dvds and my aunt and uncle got me "The White Album" by Joan Didion and The Quine bootleg tapes of the Velvet Underground. And last night at the white elephant exchange I got Al Green's greatest hits. Plus the Titanic soundtrack.
Though I had no money and only made some cards, I feel amazingly guilt free. I do plan to get some presents eventually.
TCM has been playing angel movies tonight, and "Cabin in the Sky" is on right now. "The Horn Blows at Midnight" was on right before.
Oh, and last thing: at the Mountain Goats website, www.themountaingoats.net there is a new song that is heart meltingly good. Christmas theme and everything.
current mood: good
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| Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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10:51 pm - never discuss. cut.
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What was making me so unhappy? My job. What will make me feel better? Not going to work.
Thus, I did not go to work today. I did not call in, though they called and called.
I felt much better today.
I feel much better.
current mood: relieved
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